Forgiveness

For the past 6 1/2 years, everytime the topic of forgiveness comes up -- whether it is in conversation, in church, on TV -- I'm reminded of an event in my life that I haven't fully dealt with. Since leaving Winona Lake and everything Grace College, I've been removed enough from those reminders that I could just push the garbage in my heart deep enough that I would almost forget about the feelings and possibly even convince myself that I had dealt with them. Until I would go back to Indiana at Christmas, drive past the college and throw up a little bit in my mouth. Or feel like torching the Grace Magazine that comes in the mail. Or hear others talking about how awesome and Christ-centered the school is and want to shout la-la-la-la-la at the top of my lungs. Or be sitting in church (like 2 weeks ago) and have the topic of forgiveness come up and immediately have the event come to mind. And this time, I listened. Knowing in my heart that there is a reason the event comes to mind. It's because it's unfinished business in my heart. I never would have guessed that 6+ years out I would be wrestling with forgiveness.

I mulled on this for a few days. Talked to my family, a friend and Tony about it. I was able to direct my hurt more specifically and rather than it encompassing everything Grace, I saw that truly there were 3 individuals that I needed to forgive. I was at that place where I knew that I needed to forgive, but as silly as it sounds I just didn't know how to move from point A to point B. So Sunday night I started praying that God would show me how and really begin that work in my heart. That I wouldn't forget about it until it was done and that he would help move me.

I was watching an interview that I recorded Monday about forgiveness and I was reminded that me forgiving is more about me and God than anything else. My forgiveness is not based on these individuals changing or even asking for my forgiveness, but rather it is about me releasing the bitterness in my heart and making the choice to forgive. I think I was making it more complicated than it was. I just needed to have the genuine desire to be rid of the grip the anger and bitterness had in my heart and then take the time to sit and consciously make the choice to release myself from it. Like -- this is the moment that I choose to forgive ___. I identified so well with the parable of the man who is forgiven many debts and turns around and refuses to forgive the small debt of another man. And felt humble at what my Savior had done for me. I paused the video and thanked the Lord for answering my prayer for help. I love seeing Him work and knowing beyond a shadow of doubt that it was Him.

Tuesday morning I did business with God. And it feels so good. I blog about it because it was a milestone for me. One that "only" took 6 1/2 years. And I blog about it to challenge you.

Who do you need to forgive?